Why I Continue To Support The North Korean Football Team

Despite my enthusiasm for the black comedy of North Korea’s Politburo-Brand (TM) Football, I had fully expected the People’s Democratic Supermen to fall over and crumble like a poorly constructed statue of Stalin in the rubble of Leningrad. Not only is there no reason for their team to be any good — virtually none of the players are pros, since the concept of professional sports runs slightly upstream against the whole Glorious Equality thing — but their opening game was against Brazil, who I understand are fairly handy in a kickabout. Incredibly, it didn’t turn out that way. Oh sure — the Northie’s lost. And deservingly. But they held the South Americans to a measly 2-1 result and scored a pretty impressive goal. Even better they (allegedly) paid some Chinese actors to support them from the stands instead of allowing their own citizens to attend, which is amazing in an Iron Curtain sort of way, and their best player was Jong Tae-Se, who was technically born in Japan, drives a Hummer and listens to Tupac, meaning Kim Jong-Il probably can’t show the highlights on North Korean TV after all. Brilliant. Let’s just hope their grit, determination and hard work doesn’t also exist within the million-strong North Korean army, because if it does they’ll probably be in Vienna by July.